Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks
The story so far
Hey up! And welcome to this, the inaugural blog concerning all things ‘Uncle Arthur’. I think the best thing to do is to furnish our readers with a brief bio of our intrepid, if somewhat grumpy podcasting pensioner. ‘Uncle Arthur’ was born Arthur LloydGeorge Shufflebottom, to urine carbonator, Seth Shufflebottom and his child bride, Estonia, in the early to late parts of the 19th and 20th century. Arthur led a rather deprived childhood, only being allowed to eat solid food on the Sabbath, which was, unfortunately, a family fasting day according to the edicts of their obscure religious beliefs, and therefore, of double the inconvenience. He was put to work at the tender age of 10 as a Tripe Bleacher’s Monkey, on Bury Market, but was soon spotted by the editor of the local newspaper The Arseington Liar whilst spouting vitriol from the steps of the town’s Salvation Army mission, and was rescued by the aforementioned editor before the hostile crowd that had gathered could carry out the lynching they deemed the young Arthur so richly deserved. Our hero went on to become the newspaper’s editor, after implicating his employer/rescuer/benefactor in a sordid ménage a trois involving the then Prime Minister and a leading member of the Catholic Church. Arthur married, Gladys Outhouse, in the summer of 1954 after a whirlwind romance and a rather dubious curry, and they are still together to this day. After a long and rather turbulent career, during which Gladys was forced to live, for long periods, in a shed on the outskirts of Barnoldswick in Lancashire, Arthur retired to take up whippet breeding, flat-cap detailing and podcasting. It is to the latter that we will remain eternally in Arthur’s debt.
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Episode 18
Involuntary Evacuations and Other Bollocks
April 9 2013
Arthur settles back in his chair with a glass or three of something intoxicating and makes us all squirm as he draws our attention to something that most of us have experienced at differing levels, and with varying regularity.
(You know what it’s like, don’t you? Fuck me. You have a shed full of ale, get of yer tits big time and stagger round to the kebab shop for a boatload of shit food. It’s fuckin great! I love it, me! …. Arthur April 2013)
Yes, my friends, it is that familiar drunken visit to the kebab emporium after a nights excessive carousing.
He describes the ‘anchor leg’ phenomenon that keeps us in a vertical plane and the ‘wobbly head’ syndrome that threatens to reduce us to the horizontal. We hear about the hilarious ‘uncontrollable acceleration’, caused by the head’s alcohol induced gravitational vagaries that inevitably ends with the victim viewing the world from a spot some three inches above ground level.
(You do that acceleration thingy when yer fuckin head’s centre of gravity goes to shit. You can’t do fuck all cos you’ve got yer hands in yer pockets and you’re too pissed to take them out. …. Arthur April 2013)
Arthur almost loses control as he regales us with a rather graphic account of the involuntary bowel evacuation that is the ultimate humiliation, but also the ultimate right of passage that elevates ‘The Drinking Boy’ to ‘The Drunken Man’.
(And you’re in the bathroom with shit down yer legs, washing yer underpants in the sink. And you evacuate yourself like a fuckin nuclear warhead! …. Arthur April 2013)
Listen to episode
http://unclearthur.podbean.com/2013/04/09/ep-18-involuntary-evacuations-and-other-bollocks/
Enjoy ‘Uncle Arthur’ responsibly, and please be aware, ‘Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks’ contains very strong language.
He can be found at:
http://www.stitcher.com
http://www.iTunes.com
http://www.unclearthur.podbean.com
http://www.wickedradionetwork.com
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