ep 17 A Night of Random Bollocks

Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks is a podcast hosted by Lancastrian, Nigel Boydell. The show’s format revolves around Arthur’s opinionated ramblings about whatever has irked him that week. Although Arthur comes across as a foul mouthed old lout who appears to want everyone fired out of a cannon, he is, in fact, a foul mouthed old lout who wants everyone fired out of a cannon. …………………………

Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks 

The story so far 

  Hey up! And welcome to this, the inaugural blog concerning all things ‘Uncle Arthur’. I think the best thing to do is to furnish our readers with a brief bio of our intrepid, if somewhat grumpy podcasting pensioner. ‘Uncle Arthur’ was born Arthur LloydGeorge Shufflebottom, to urine carbonator, Seth Shufflebottom and his child bride, Estonia, in the early to late parts of the 19th and 20th century. Arthur led a rather deprived childhood, only being allowed to eat solid food on the Sabbath, which was, unfortunately, a family fasting day according to the edicts of their obscure religious beliefs, and therefore, of double the inconvenience. He was put to work at the tender age of 10 as a Tripe Bleacher’s Monkey, on Bury Market, but was soon spotted by the editor of the local newspaper The Arseington Liar whilst spouting vitriol from the steps of the town’s Salvation Army mission, and was rescued by the aforementioned editor before the hostile crowd that had gathered could carry out the lynching they deemed the young Arthur so richly deserved. Our hero went on to become the newspaper’s editor, after implicating his employer/rescuer/benefactor in a sordid ménage a trois involving the then Prime Minister and a leading member of the Catholic Church. Arthur married, Gladys Outhouse, in the summer of 1954 after a whirlwind romance and a rather dubious curry, and they are still together to this day. After a long and rather turbulent career, during which Gladys was forced to live, for long periods, in a shed on the outskirts of Barnoldswick in Lancashire, Arthur retired to take up whippet breeding, flat-cap detailing and podcasting. It is to the latter that we will remain eternally in Arthur’s debt.

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Episode 17 

A Night of Random Bollocks 

April 5 2013

After a preamble about a recently purchased microphone stand, Arthur launches into a passionate assault on the culture of allowing children into public houses. Especially when he is trying to relax with a pint of real ale and an overcooked carvery.

 (And there’s this bloke jumping around like a fuckin cabaret star with his arse in me face. I’ll tell you what. It was like something off the Jeremy fuckin Kyle Show! ….Arthur April 2013)

  His next subjects for careful consideration are the self-service checkouts that every supermarket in the country now has for our service and convenience. Needless to say, they wind him up considerably.

 ([“Unknown item in the bagging area. Take it out, you twat. Get Flossie over here, now. I’m not wearing this, you tosser”.] Checkout talking to Arthur. ….Arthur April 2013)

Petrol Stations are next. Arthur misses the days when some menial in a uniform and self-deprecating manner came to the car to pander to your every whim, and you could fill your car up for 10 shillings.

 (It’s different in America. You sit in your car while some little gimboid comes and checks your oil and cleans your windows and gives you a fuckin blowjob and gives you an enema! ….Arthur April 2013)

And if you are one of those people who goes around saying, “I’m mad, me. Me and my mates, we’re mad we are. We sit up till midnight eating biscuits and drinking coke, then expect Arthur’s final tirade to cause some offence.  

(I’d fuckin shoot them into space, I would. I’d cover them in fuckin mirrors and shoot them into space, then you could watch the light reflect of them as they orbited the Earth. And they’d be waving and shouting. “I’m mad, me. Me and me mates are orbiting the Earth cos we’re mad, we are. ….Arthur April 2013)

  Listen to episode
http://unclearthur.podbean.com/2013/04/06/a-night-of-random-bollocks/

 Enjoy ‘Uncle Arthur’ responsibly, and please be aware, ‘Uncle Arthur’s Bollocks’ contains very strong language.

He can be found at:
http://www.stitcher.com
http://www.iTunes.com
http://www.unclearthur.podbean.com
http://www.wickedradionetwork.com